i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dignity is for republicans.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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