those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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