textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think a kid would responsible me up
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
