I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
