i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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