im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
