The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
