Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
