Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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