I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
