my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
