he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
