Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
