she woke up with a sticky ear
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
