get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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