party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
