I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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