Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
