I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
