enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
