I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
