I wanna passion pit in your ass
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
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apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
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He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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