Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I still have a little drunk in my system
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
