Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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