Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
