Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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