i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
