Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
