U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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