I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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