Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
