Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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