She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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