She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
im on a boat
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