part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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