how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
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Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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