I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
