Need sex. Gaining weight.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
