I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There are leaves in my underwear?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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