i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
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St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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