Moan for me like Helen Keller
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
