I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
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orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize