I'm really into asian looking animals
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
