My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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