I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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