I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
