my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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