I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
