dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I AM VODKA MAN
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up under a house in Key West
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