I can text with my tongue
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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