i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
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