i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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