okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
