The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
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Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
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It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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