Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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