The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
