Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
