Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
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thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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