Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
